ginger without fred

An Awakened Life

2010-01-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have this book "An Awakened Life - uncommon wisdom from everyday experience" by Christopher Titmuss

It's a book that a borrowed 15 years ago from the friend of a friend. No no i didn't steal it:) I just never saw the person again.

I have been reading this book for 15years...highlighting sections that inspire me...going back and reading sections when i need a little insight. This books helps me to unlock the answers within my soul. I read some of my highlighted sections today...they spoke to me... so i thought i'd share.

enjoy and my you have all the happiness your hearts can hold:)

-g

"Why so some people find it easy to live with an open heart and others cannot? It comes out of awareness and deep sensitivity, and from looking direly at the actualities of life. True friendship extends itself in all directions, knowing no boundaries. It is a powerful force for healing and change."

"Authentic love comes from a mind that doesn't turn away. It comes from a mind that faces the possibility of not getting what we want, of losing what we have and being separated fro whom and what we love. It does not require any special method, or technique or training. Nor does it require adopting a religious or philosophical message. What love requires is the willingness to know and understand intimately the conditions for the arising of suffering and a commitment to resolving a problematic existence."

"It is letting go of, or overcoming, negativity that paves the way for the resolution of problems." "We want step-by-step tools, and we want them to work quickly, or we give up. work on ourselves might be a lifelong undertaking."

"Acts of loving kindness keep the heart open" "Where there is kindness, we are willing to struggle with difficult decisions out of respect for other and ourselves. Some people get the idea that living with kindness is a mistake. Kind people always get walked over, they claim, and so they harden their hearts so that nobody can reach them. that same defensive wall also stops them from reaching deep within themselves. There are risks in kindness. The most obvious one is being taken advantage of by the selfish and unscrupulous. Yes, that happens, but authentic kindness, tempered with equanimity, will not wither under such exploitation." "There is a well-known saying, 'you need to be cruel to be kind'. Parents use it to justify their strictness with their children. We sometimes imagine that if we shout or yell abuse we will provoke deeper resources within a person into action. We are deceiving ourselves, however, and are likely to do more harm than good. If we sincerely wish to inspire others, we need first to know them, to respect and understand them."

"The power of loving kindness is its ability to reach deep into a person, motivate them and inspire them towards greater things. It is the ability to help a person know their sense of worth and their capacities. This skill is born from awareness."

Contract

2010-01-09T14:27:00.000-08:00

Why has it been a week since i've written??
perhaps it's because i'm trying to get out of my head...and i can't

The bail hearing is next week and the chances are good that Fred will be coming home with me...
but...
that's when the work starts
that's when reality will set in

right now it's all still in my head.
and i'm drowning
trying to stay a float as i gasp for breath
waves crash into my consciousness

I have talked to so many people
listened to so many people
heard so many people
but now is the time when the decisions need to start

They say love heals everything - who exactly is they?
So why should i with hold love?
should i?

For my own sanity there has to be an ultimatum
'lie, cheat, steal' again and you Fred have chosen to walk away
in taking these actions you have chosen to end our relationship
it would not be i, making the decision... it would be you.
and in choosing to lie, cheat or steal you would be breaking the bond that binds us, breaking the strings of my heart that connect me to you.
I love you Fred, but in choosing to lie, cheat or steal you will be choosing to live your life without me.

This is not about getting caught. This has nothing to do with me or anyone catching you. It has only to do with you. If you lie...the moment it comes off of your lips you may as well say goodbye. If you lie, you chose to be alone. When you lie it's not about us, it's about you. When you choose you over us... you've made your choice. If you cheat...the moment you chose to touch another woman, you have chosen to never touch me again. If you steal...you have stolen the last breath out of our partnership. If you partake in any of these actions...you will be turning your back on us. And you will have chosen to dissolve our partnership.

Why start with lying? that's where it starts. It is the catalyst that allows the explosion to happen.
it is the beging to the end

fred is with ginger

2010-01-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

With everything that's going on with me..us..everything...
talking, listening, planing, researching, brainstorming
my head was spinning
then someone told me today
to 'slow down'
slow down
take it one day at a time
...i thought i had been...one hour at a time actually

then i looked at a picture of us... of him, his face, his smile
his joy
and the good within him

Then... everything came grinding to a halt... slowed down, like the slow motion part of a movie...that part where things become clear
i saw that joy within him, and i smiled, and said out loud 'i love him'
and i smiled again

later i went into the lou...caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror
and things slowed down even further
as i caught my own gaze, i couldn't look away
filled with joy, my tears welled up and i smiled
smiled as i was overwhelmed
overcome
over joyed
the love i felt flowed freely from my eyes as i continued to smile
and then
clarity

and then
i spoke it out loud
'love is the answer'

so now i ask myself
should i change the name of my blog?

My Black Coffee and my day consumed...

2010-01-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

...consumed with what?
thinking of him
being alone again
can i do this
does he love me
can we move past this
?????

it's been two weeks today since he was arrested and sent back
it's also been two weeks that i've been consumed.

Every morning i wake up and i think
through out the day i think
as i shut my eyes i think
think about him, our situation...
think about his lies, his behaviour, his love for me, and my love for him

is it an obsession, or am i still grieving? Or perhaps it's just a new challenge

Everything has become all about him. When do i fit into the picture.
When do i start to matter.
Bloody hell, for all the thinking that i've been doing, i sure do still seem to have a lot of questions.....

and those have been my days...consumed with questions and thoughts of him

New Day, New Year, New Decade

2010-01-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Everyday is differnt.
Every hour is differnt actualy.

Today was a bad day.
but this hour i'm doing alright.

I wish i could find someone like me out there, someone going through the same struggle...or even someone that went through this circumstance where it had a positive outcome.

The Story

2010-01-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

My fella and i met 3years ago while he was on federal parole. For two months we developed our friendship, and the day after we became intimate he violated his parole and was sent back.

For about 18months we wrote, and began the journey of discovery...we fell in love. At first i didn't visit, but for the last year i visited once a week.

My fella has been in and out since he was 14years old...mostly property crimes...he's 28 now. His worst fear was that his father would die while he was in jail...and that he would have to go to the funeral in chains. That fear became a reality Jan 16/09.
My fella was released on parole April 1/09 and on Jan 12/10 would have been free. Truly free for the first time since he was 14...no supervision, no new charges. He re offended just before Christmas.

Why am i here?
We need help.
My fella is caught in a cycle that he can not break alone. I know he truly wants to be done with this life of crime, but he can't do it alone. He had started to take steps to move forward. BUT... my fella is addicted to the high he gets from 'getting away' with things. He doesn't do drugs or drink...just smokes cigarettes and he is also a compulsive liar.

So now i am left... left loving someone that is hard to love. Trying to figure out if there is some other way for him to get help...besides being warehoused. If there is someone else that cares enough to forgive.

~when asked about what forgiveness is, a little girl gave this beautiful answer... "forgiveness is the sweet scent that a flower gives when its been crushed."